Enneagram Four dilemma mysteries
The Enneagram Four dilemma frequently confuses new students of the Enneagram system. A metaphor for this type’s dilemma could be found in virtually any pop culture “lost love” song. Currently, stressors of our collective Corona Virus 2020 experience are also making the Enneagram Four dilemma manifest across humanity. Global “Stay Home” orders are tilling the soul, unearthing tangled belief systems for closer viewing, understanding, self-observation, and personal insights.
The opportunity for insights provided by the Corona Virus is readily available for all Enneagram types. However, collectively, there is a large dose of Four-like longing and melancholy rolling around in the ethers for anyone to experience firsthand.
What if the Corona Virus 2020 were to actually take our collective perspective higher as well as create a larger degree of awareness globally about the instinctual, spiritual, commonplace nature of the human habits of attention. What a silver lining that would be!
The basics of the Enneagram Four dilemma
But, back to the Enneagram Four dilemma. An excellent, emotional, and metaphoric, demonstration of the Four’s inner world can be found in the 2015 song by British singer Adele. Adele’s beautifully haunting song “Hello” (lyrics here) is about reflection into the past, a failed relationship with the Beloved, and the current thwarted longing (that stretches aimlessly into all possible futures) to reconnect.
Generally speaking, this is the basic Enneagram Four dilemma. This longing for “lost love” plays out in various ways across all spectrums of each individual Four’s life. To a smaller degree, those types with with lines or arrows to the Type Four will also share some aspect of this longing, although not as front and center as a home-base Four.
This longing doesn’t have to be just about love relationships. All Enneagram types including the Four, have, long for, and suffer from relationships. Each type does it in their own prescribed way, due to their habits of attention, personality structures and focal/stuck points. You can have a type dilemma with your food, your money, your achievements, etc. But, what clearer, more universal template is there, than an out of control, charged, love relationship, to draw out your innermost struggles into moments of consciousness?
The Enneagram’s model of integration at neutral
As the theory goes, each Enneagram type models for every other Enneagram type, facets and aspects of themselves to witness and re-incorporate into daily life. It takes a while to get a handle on your own idiosyncrasies of your home-base type. Once home-base is established, you begin to incorporate movements between your wings, Stress/Secure moves and other aspects of the theory. Thus, confusions may arise.
However, the goal is to find neutral. Or, to get familiar with neutral and have some form of access to it. This “neutral” is usually found when you know your type habit and tendencies but are no longer attached and on automatic. With knowledge of type habits, individuals can “pause” to practice space, and/or apply emotional, mental or physical ointments and salves. When “neutral” becomes available, there is room to seek out the other eight Enneagram perspectives. At that point, an individual might have space to internalize a few new bits and pieces from the other eight perspectives to assist their personal journey of self-discovery.
Nuances unavoidable in commonplace experiences
This is what Adele’s “Hello” song does at the collective human experience level. It takes a common experience like failed relationships, and makes visible, nuances we might otherwise avoid hearing, seeing or experiencing. Almost everyone alive has some experience with “lost love”. And remember “lost love,” metaphorically, makes manifest many of the particular facets of the mysterious Enneagram Four dilemma.
The song lyrics from “Hello” speak about time and a relationship past, reflecting on years of longing, suffering, and unanswered calls by phone. In the lyrics, the singer also admits she still wants to meet and connect, while also stating that she knows that meeting will never happen. (Who hasn’t done some form of that, perhaps in high school? At least once, right?)
“When we see those Enneagram Four antics, some inner aspect of us gets hooked, and we have to watch the drama through to the end. Rubbernecking around emotions, instead of a car wreck. It’s part of human nature.”
This is a pretty clear definition for what Enneagram theory books have called the “push-pull” of a Four: “I want it, but I know I’ll never have it.” Or more sinisterly: “I want it because I can’t have it. Oh…I can have it now? Well, now, I don’t want it.” Another pet phrase associated with the Enneagram Four dilemma is: “Come here. Now, go away!”
In a Rom-Com, when we see this pattern of behavior, almost automatically, we root for one of the couple to get over it or make compassionate space. Just get on to being happy already; don’t be dumb about it. Right? That is part of what witnessing others in an Enneagram Four dilemma does for the rest of us.
These dramatic, annoying, over the top, mystical Fours point, highlight and make common, emotional pitfalls unavoidable for the rest of us. It’s like a moth to the flame, or a train wreck getting ready to happen! When we see those Four antics, some inner aspect of us gets hooked, and we have to watch the drama through to the end. Rubbernecking around emotions, instead of a car wreck. It’s part of human nature.
“Grabbing us with their commonplace experiences of loss, love and pain points, these Enneagram Fours hook our attention with their easy-to-access, emotional antics….[that] the rest of us merely witness from the outside, as onlookers.”
Grabbing us with their commonplace experiences of loss, love and pain points, these Enneagram Fours hook our attention with their easy-to-access, emotional antics. And they allow the rest of us to merely witness from the outside, as onlookers, without forcing full-body metabolizing. It’s like an easier form of learning without having to make all the mistakes yourself. And it’s a little like understanding some horrible disease without draining your own life-force.
Poetry and harmony found in the Enneagram Four dilemma
In the process those Fours are touching hearts, opening onlookers to their own compassion capacities (or bringing awareness to the lack of capacities), as well as perhaps, being dramatic and over the top. A Four’s capacity to see past “the show” to what is really happening, to the authentic emotional timbre of a situation, is well-documented.
Seeing the emotional timbre is not the problem of a Four. Recognizing what they experience as their own, or NOT their own, is the tricky bit. But, the Four’s real point of struggle is taking action, moving beyond, and getting out of all the available emotions: their own and others’. The ultimate goal for the Four is getting to a “neutral”, finding satisfaction, and good enough.
Adele’s “Hello” pays homage to this part of the Enneagram Four dilemma by creating verbal poetry and harmonic sound that is beautiful to witness, around lost relationships, suffering and hopes for future connection. At the same time, the Enneagram Four will make this plain, clear simple knowledge “beneath” worthy and “of little significance,” preferring instead to pay greater attention to the juicy details of the past, or the imagined future, sufferings.
“If faced with the stark reality that the Beloved Other no longer cares, the Enneagram Four’s reality becomes: ‘But it don’t matter; it clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore’.”
If faced with the stark reality that the Beloved Other no longer cares, the Enneagram Four might behave in a similar way to the singer of this song. After waxing poetic for a moment, the Four might, with a dauntless recklessness, state: “But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore.”
While the statement connotes a certain emotional state, it is also easy to catch a hint of passive-aggression, perhaps fueled by the need, or habit of, clinging to subterranean emotions of betrayal and alonenesss. (See the full Adele version here: Hello by Adele on YouTube. )
Enneagram Four dilemma as a parody on life
Now that we have some understanding around the basic Enneagram Four Dilemma, let’s take a deeper look. Shared below is “Hello (from the Inside) an Adele Parody” by Chris Mann posted recently on YouTube. Both songs may be viewed as a dual/nondual, collective-individuated piece of spiritual poetry.
As in the Enneagram Four dilemma, all Enneagram types are searching, and each has their pattern of fixation and release with predictable strategies that form the other eight type dilemmas. The combination of lyrics, haunting sound, facial expressions, and unspoken-yet-still-known human emotions dramatizing the internal terror of the singer does much to reveal the inner workings of the Enneagram Four dilemma. Sometimes dramatization makes things visible you might not be able to ingest otherwise. (Thank You, Dramatic Fours!)
Stay Home orders mimic the Enneagram Four Dilemma
You might need to watch the video below a few times to allow all the layers to register and sink into your consciousness. The first very superficial layer is that we are all, in one form or another freaked out by the Corona Virus. The harmonies and the wailing of this song (and the Enneagram Four dilemma it represents) is very cathartic in some irrational way.
And usually we won’t allow ourselves the pleasure in irrational expression of emotion. There is an old-time saying, “Better Out Than In!” that saying seems appropriate today, as long as your irrational emotional expression is done with safety and goodness to all concerned. Maybe sing along, and let your pent emotions about this pandemic global situation flow with “Hello (from the inside) an Adele Parody by Chris Mann“:
What to do with all those unwanted emotions
What do we do with all those emotions? In other words, just like the Enneagram Four dilemma, we all are having emotions we don’t know what to do with. And like a Four, we are instead opting to escape into a fantasy world or a world of drama and sensation, in order to avoid our interior knowings and intuitions. In other words, we might be trying to escape our physical form’s current Corona Virus tragedy.
Enneagram Fours are often called the “mystics” of the Enneagram. Fours know, live, and analyze emotions of others, rooms, literature, music, sidewalks, etc., and whatever else they might come into contact with. Unfortunately, they are often blind to the fact that they have their own very real emotions, preferring instead to relive and review non-present-time emotions of themselves and others.
The tone—sound, verbal, emotional, facial expressions– of this parody song, experienced during the timeline of Corona Virus 2020, is palpaple knowledge and perennial wisdom. Wisdom and release for the human parts and the collectively-experienced interior Enneagram Four dilemma parts that deal with loss, love, balance, peace and satiety.
With just a few word changes the particular cycles of the Enneagram Four dilemma, and the generic human struggle with satiety, peace and equanimity, can be seen in the “Hello (from the inside) An Adele Parody” version.
Practical, daily life examples of the theory
In theory, the Passion of the Four is Envy. Four Envy is like a constant sense of the grass being greener on the other side. Or, more plainly put, not being able to find the sweet middle of neutral. And, the Fixation that holds the Enneagram Four dilemma in place is Melancholy, a metaphoric longing, like that of a “lost love” in the songs above.
The Defense Mechanism is called Introjection. This Introjection might be most easily understood, as that idea of self-quarantine due to an insidious flaw that keeps the individual feeling unworthy enough to self-quarantine.
Many people today during this Corona Virus are self-quarantining, not because they fear for their own life, but because they don’t want to risk being a carrier that gets other people sick. This is a healthy motivation of compassion. In the Enneagram Four dilemma, however, the motivation for “quarantine” is just to hide the fact, to never let anyone see or know, of their perceived contagious flaw.
The Antidote of Equanimity for the Enneagram Four that will transport them to the ground of being at Original Source (or the Holy Idea), we also find, metaphorically, in this song’s lyrics below.
Enneagram Four dilemma finds balance at neutral
Unfortunately, the antidote for Corona Virus is still in development. But perhaps some semblance of that future condition can be found inside the inner workings of the Enneagram Four dilemma? For the Four, even in the direction of neutral, there is still a dream-like fantasy component. But now, the Four-like-fantasy is itself around “sustenance,” about going out to eat. Just a burger with cheese—plain, boring, satisfying. Real. No Drama. No more longing for “lost love,” just a longing for ordinary food. In this example, eating a simple burger is the Four at Equanimity. How completely non-dramatic!
The Four still has a longing, but it’s about food, and tending their human form physical needs. Pretty boring right? The Corona Virus is allowing and inviting us to experience boring, at the level of gratitude for survival and sustenance, finding Equanimity at the point of “good enough.”
This parody video is also great for providing cues into the multi-faceted emotional states the Four can run through, 60-miles an hour, back-to-back, with great endurance and authentic believability. You may notice that the emotional content on the singer’s face, doesn’t always match the words and emotions being expressed. While a Four bluffs and blusters with drama, uniqueness, emotion, or whatever, the key is to remember, the Enneagram four does this dance to prevent and protect themselves from seeing their own ordinariness.
“The Corona Virus is allowing and inviting us to experience boring, at the level of gratitude for survival and sustenance, finding Equanimity at the point of ‘good enough’.”
Being ordinary is the space the Enneagram Four dilemma says should be avoided at all costs! What is most curious, is that “the peace on the other side of the paper tiger” is easy to find with surrender into Reality As It Is Now. If a Four would tolerate the dissonance and surrender into that “ordinary” consciousness state, they would flow directly and almost immediately (for a time) into balance, equanimity, and satiety in connection with the ground of being at Holy Origin.
As we traverse our collective Corona Life timeline, with intensified needs to find the sweet middle of satiety, perhaps the Enneagram Four dilemma patterns, Antidotes and Holy Ideas will help you metabolize the new, global pit of “lost love” longing for pre-2020 Corona Virus living that may never return. Enjoy the music, and use the Grounded Relating Monday Music Challenge to stay present to yourself today, and every day.
Hello (from the inside) An Adele Parody by Chris Mann Lyrics:
Hello
It’s Me
I’m in California dreaming about going out to eat
Just a burger
with cheese
Or a shaken margarita, baby back ribs from Chilli’s.
Hello-o-o
Can you hear me?
I am shouting out to neighbors who I used to like to see
When we were outside
and free.
Is there something else to watch beside the news and Finding Dory?
There’s social distance between us
And I’m freaking out!
CHORUS
Hello from the inside
It’s just me and myself and I
And a Stay Home order that’s breaking my heart
But it’s clearly what we should have done from the start.
Hello from Corona Life
I’ve FaceTime called a 1,000 times
To show you I’m sitting right here on the couch
What’s the point of putting on pants anyhow, anymore????
Hello
How are you?
Do your fingers hurt from scrolling through the cat memes on your iPhone?
I hope you’re well
OMG OMG OMG
Did you ever make it out of that town before they closed the Costco?
It is no secret that the both of us haven’t showered yet. (It’s optional at this point, right?)
Hello to Corona Life
(Corona Life)
They saying Stay Home til July?!?!?!?!
(til July, WTF???)
Jesus Christ, Almighty
Can you please send me strength (and some $$$?).
I am so sick and tired of my own goddamned face
Hello from self quarantine
(quarantine)
I’m begging Amazon to please
(Amazon to please)
After sending more soap, can you please figure out
How to send a box of my friends to my house???
I am so bored!!!
Help, Help, Help, Help!
Oooh, I am so board
Help, Help, Help, Help!
I am so bored.
Oooooooh (here he goes sangin’ again) I am so bored!
Oooooohhhhh.
I am so bored. I am so bored.
Help, HELP!!!
Hello from the Inside
Bored AF
It’s just me and myself and I
(myself and I)
And a STAY HOME order that’s breaking my heart (invisibility)
But it’s clearly what we should have done from the start.
CHORUS:
Hello from Corona Life.
STAY HOME PEOPLE. COME ON!!!
Hello from Corona life
(I’ll keeeeeel you!)
I’ve FaceTime called a 1,000 times
to show you that I am sitting right here on the coudc
What is the point of putting pants on anyhow, anymore???
(I haven’t worn them for days BTW)
